Birthday Party

Vividly remembered the day when I celebrated my tenth birthday. All my friends and neighbourhood kids were invited to the party.

For the party, I put on my birthday dress which I was specially sewn for me. I liked the big bow behind my back.  I was superslim that day.... 

I walked into the hall where everyone was waiting for me. I saw a lot of lovely presents being displayed at one corner. They had been bought for me by all those who came that day.  I was truly happy…ya for a 10 year old girl to receive so many presents, definitely my heart pumped zillion !!

Then, Ah Pa bought my birthday cake with ten candles on it. It was a large and beautiful cake. The guest sang Birthday song while I stood facing the cake.  I was the central of attention for everyone.  After that, I was asked to make a wish and cut it. Though I felt rather uneasy, with so many eyes upon me, I somehow managed to cut a line.  

The guests were then served with an array of yummy food prepared by mum.   Music was played. There were also jokes and laughter among the children.  My friends and I played some games-Musical chairs and card games.

When the party was over, I unpacked all my birthday gifts. I was surprised to see such lovely gifts. The happiness reflected in my face…..Thanking my parents for holding such a pleasant party for me although we weren’t from a well-to-d0 background. 

Fast Forward to today….eversince that  10^th birthday, I never have the privilege to celebrate my birthday on a big scale.  It was always within my family members having a simple meal or a birthday cake or sort.  Year in year out….I’ve approached my 40^th birthday !!    

Happy Birthday to dear me…. 

The big 4 Birthday

Suprises from the two boys of my life.  Thanks Dear. Thanks Ah Boy. 

Nothing much changesafter all.  It's a matter of figure and mathematics.  Physically and mentally, am still myself.  

Crisis...

Am savoring the last few hours of my 30s before the clock strikes 12.  Hmmm….how is it like to be 40 circle, my life getting better or worst ? 

Hitting the big 4 ol. Sigh..  

For the first time in my life, am feeling a sense of nervousness, uneasiness right now.  A sense of being completely lost in life and completely alone really does scare me off.  

For a moment, I’ve developed this feeling like I’ve lost my identity and no longer know who I am.  All my values, principles, belief system suddenly evaporated !  What I stand for and what is my purpose in life….am totally blank.  Am beginning to feel depressed as well.   

Attempting to analyse my emotions and feelings.  One thing for sure…I’m starting to feel myself getting ‘old’.  Old is the dreaded word…which was never a taboo in my life until recently.  I began to get agitated over this word.  Am I getting old…where now I’ve landed on my 4^th decade.  The inferiority complex in me.

Mid life crisis…is this a natural phenomena when one approach 40 ?  

Am I experiencing a mid life crises?  So many things crossing my mind…menopause !  Am I ready to face this “M” ? 

I guess it is normal to develop such insecurity.  At least, I do have the time to sit back and re-access my options and make changes if there’s any….

Happy 40^th Birthday to myself.  

Total Confusion

Being in a daze for months.  Can concentrate on just anything.....  Lost !!  Surprising...Work wise I'm doing fine and so is at home. Managed both reasonably well.  No complain from my headmistress nor my family members esp Ah Boy.  But I just can't focus.  When at work, I think about home.  And when at home, I think about work.  In a total confusion state. 



Wonder why am I feeling so suck..?  Is it the 'Big 4 ol' syndrome ? 
(Hint hint...it's around the corner..folks..!!!)    

Dilemma

To continue to not..?  Unable to decide.  Sigh..!  Should I further my studies, am I capable of doing my Masters ?  As my mind is still fresh and energetic (after having gone thru my 4 year degree), I think I should move on to a higher level.  But on the other hand, I doubt I have the capability and time to do it.  Had been sort off neglecting my boy for a long long time.  His growing age is important and he needs lotsa of motherly concern and care and guidance.  He's already in Std 4 and would be sitting for his UPSR in 2 years.  These 2 years are critical.  So if I continue my studies now (masters-2 years duration), then I would probably neglect him once again which I wish to avoid.  Nevertheless, if both of us do study together, this might give him the inspiration to achieve coz I could be a perfect role model to him.

Apart from time, my another obstacle is cash.  I needed to cough out a handsome amount of money for my masters.  A good sum of RM16K which I could save for Ah Boy's future etertiary education.  If i use up that $$ for myself, then indirectly I'm also using up Ah Boy's educational funds.

Time and cash, then commitment comes next.  How far can I concentrate on my studies at such 'advanced age'?  Going to be 40 next month.  My memory and concentration level depleting....!

Sigh....I'm in a total dilemma.  Should I or shouln't I..?  Any advice, dear readers ?

So near yet so far...